What Psychosis Feels Like

This is it. You’ve finally lost your mind. I swear someone just whispered something. No one’s here. It’s 2:12AM, no one is even awake. Why does everyone look so similar? My brain is trying to kill me. My brain will actually kill me. My whole body knew this was going to happen but didn’t inform me. Why was I left out? What is that noise? Someone is outside. Someone will break in and kill me. I’m going to die. I have scissors next to my bed, if you reach enough you can grab them and kill the intruder. Do you actually care about yourself that much though? Just stay put so they don’t hear you. Did Kurt Cobain really kill himself? Remember when you were six and you called Miss Townsend ‘mum’ by accident and the other kids laughed? Everyone hates me and is plotting against me to kill me. I must be on TV. Maybe my life is a real life horror movie. Am I going to die tonight? This is going to go on forever. People are going to realise you are really, really ill. You can’t hide this anymore. All the cells in your body have been plotting to this moment. You’re just going to combust. This is going to kill you. You’re actually going to die. You need to sleep. Why can I not stop repeating the work ‘hierarchy’ over and over again? Hierarchy, hierarchy, hierarchy. What is that on my fucking arm?! IS IT A SPIDER?! Stop itching. You’re going to scratch your skin off. I’m going to die. There’s nothing there. Nothing is real anymore. Maybe nothing has ever been real. Maybe everything is in my head. Maybe this is a dream. Maybe everything is a dream. I don’t know what is happening. How does sleep work? Why do we just lie there unconscious for hours? How do airplanes actually work? The light outside definitely just came on. Am I dreaming or am I awake? It’s definitely not a cat outside. Did the light even switch on? Was I imagining it? I shouldn’t move in case they hear me. This is it. I’ve finally lost my mind.

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3 Comments

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  1. Such a beautifully written post Megan! I’m really glad you posted such a personal post, it’s a raw and honest look into your mind – even though some people may think of it as an invasion of privacy.
    I found myself nodding in agreement to many of the sentences as they perfectly capture the mind of a person with anxiety.

    Diana
    coffeetalkwithdee.blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

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