Proud

If you follow me on Twitter (@megrrees), you may have noticed yesterday that I announced that I’ll be moving down to Brighton a fortnight tomorrow. Along with these plans, a very broken fibula fracture and copious amounts of festival work, you can excuse absence from this blog – sorry! Anyway, the main objective of this post is to be that person and celebrate me.

This past year has been insane, in fact, it’s just over a year since I started blogging exclusively about mental health. In that timespan, I’ve written about some very hard hitting topics (“It Was The Worst of Times…”What Psychosis Feels LikeWhat Does Depression Feel Like?) and have experienced a lifetime’s worth of emotions and actions – from self-harm to catatonia and psychosis. Classic BPD or just a very turbulent life (I’m not sure I know the difference)?

However, since April I’ve been on the path of recovery and it has simply been glorious. I stepped out of my comfort zone and have since done things that I never thought would be possible for me, especially with BPD. Even just living has been an achievement!! I’ve worked my arse off at Mutiny, Field Day, Isle of Wight, Reading and soon Bestival Festivals, meeting some of the most amazing and unique people. I’ve found a glorious flat a stone’s throw from Brighton Pier, the city I’ve wanted to move to since I was an inexperienced and immature fresher – 5 years in the waiting! I’ve even bought bloody contents insurance.

I guess you’re wondering what my secret to recovery is? Well, as cliché as this sounds, I woke up on April 6th and thought ‘this isn’t how I want to spend my life.’ Prior to that, I allowed myself to be consumed by depression, anxiety, BPD… It was easier to fall into the same habits that had been haunting me my whole life. In a lot of ways, I was literally the ‘living dead’ through these habits, laid in bed, mindlessly watching a screen, moving only for the bathroom or the kitchen, barely communicating. By no means am I belittling anyone’s experiences – you physically and mentally can’t do anything.

That April morning was possibly the scariest moment of my whole life because I put a value to my life that had never been there before. This didn’t happen overnight. I’ve put in a lot of hard work. There’s been times when I’ve ended up crying because recovery just seems too difficult, especially when I broke my leg and was left bedridden and dependant upon everyone around me. I kept pushing my boundaries of what my mind said I could do – I’ve never been very good with sticking to the rules.

Looking at what I’ve accomplished in these five short months, I’m able to say that I’m really bloody proud of myself and I deserve to be proud! (I’d quickly like to point out that this has been without medication or therapy, in case you’re wondering.)

I guess the only real point of all this babble is that recovery is possible! No matter what your diagnosis, your current situation, anything, you can and you will get through it. It’s not a walk in the park (sense the irony ‘just go for a walk and your mental illness is cured!’), it’s not going to be cured through pills or yoga or whatever else it is that people have no idea about try to tell you – it’s possible through hard work, determination and pushing your boundaries as far as you can, as much as you can.

**If you or your loved one’s condition is critical, suicidal, or just very worrying, please call 999. You can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 – 24 hours a day or Mind‘s infoline on 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri 9am-6pm)**

If you need help and support, you can email me (megrrees@gmail.com) or tweet me @megrrees.

M x

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