I have Borderline Personality Disorder, I’ve stated that in many previous posts. One of the main ‘symptoms’ (I say this with quotation marks because I don’t really like the phrase itself) of the diagnosis is attachment issues – which you may have guessed by now is the topic of today’s post. *Also, it’s been a while, I apologise, I have a post coming explaining why*
Attachment issues can come in all shapes and sizes and, no, it’s not *daddy issues*. I can only speak for myself, however I’ve finally – just this afternoon – managed to pin it down after 23 years of wondering. I don’t feel like I deserve to have love or good people in my life, so I push them away. I’ll test them in numerous ways, anger them, do everything I possibly can to get rid of them because I don’t feel worthy of these great people who just want to love me. Yet, all these tests are not conscious decisions, maybe it’s because I truly expect everyone to leave that I put such awful things in place subconsciously to even the kindest of people. Everyone has a past, yet I feel like I’ve done such awful things that I just don’t deserve anything special or nice in the slightest.
Even as I write this, I know that it’s the mental health condition talking, but at this point, it’s all consuming and endlessly tiring. Maybe it goes hand in hand with the impulsiveness that comes with the condition, this feeling of not being worthy – the reason I’ve tried to kill and harm myself so many times in my short life. Maybe it’s just a release of the pain that I constantly battle in my head. Maybe it’s the expectation that I put upon everyone I meet to leave, like why would you want to stick around with someone who is so ready to hurt themselves mentally and physically at every single opportunity?!
In the middle of this year, I thought that I was in recovery, that I could just smile and fake it until I kind of made it. Unfortunately, as many of us with mental health problems know, recovery is unfortunately not linear and here I am again, back at rock bottom, despite being the happiest I’ve ever been. Deep down, I knew that I hadn’t tackled any of my issues but yet, why would I try to tackle them when even the psychiatrist running my CBT last November cried and told me that it would not help?!
I guess what my attachment issues boil down to are my feeling of unworthiness and the fact I don’t believe anyone should have to help/handle the mess that I am, nor would I want them to. This isn’t a pity post, I’m not looking for any kind of sympathy, just a release of what’s happening in my head right now – the way writing has always been for me.
**If you or your loved one’s condition is critical, suicidal, or just very worrying, please call 999. You can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 – 24 hours a day or Mind‘s infoline on 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri 9am-6pm)**