TW: Self harm, depression, suicidal thoughts
Sometimes I have really good days, sometimes really bad. I thought I’d focus on a bad day which was very typical of a day from the beginning part of 2017 to give real insight into just how bad it can get inside the head of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
8:30AM: Alarm goes off. My head is already telling me I’m fat and don’t deserve to live because I’m a terrible person and should feel guilty about everything I’ve ever done and am such a burden and would be better off dead. It is not a good day. Back to sleep.
9:30AM: Wake up naturally. Feel numb inside, the thoughts are still there. My body feels as though it’s made of lead and I can barely move as it is just so heavy. Turn on Netflix and watch something I’ve watched at least six times before (possibly Gossip Girl, Orange is the New Black, maybe Bojack Horseman) without really watching it. Just staring blankly in the direction of the screen for hours.
11:45AM: Make lunch, the same lunch I make every single day. Part baked baguette with cheddar cheese, mayo and lettuce and a coffee. May try and do some washing whilst I’m downstairs, usually just sit on the floor in the corner of the kitchen as body is still too heavy to move. Try and lighten my mood by listening to Radio X, doesn’t tend to work.
12:15PM: Call my Nan and pretend that everything is okay. Reassure her that I am happy, healthy, eating well, still alive. Talk about home, the dogs, family, anything, just to get out of my head for 20 minutes. Sometimes feel so numb that I am talking to her on the floor in my room, unable to even get into bed.
12:35PM: Make another coffee and go back to bed to watch Netflix, maybe even have another nap in that period to stop myself from cutting myself to feel something, anything. If I’m feeling slightly better than usual and am able to concentrate then I’ll try and write a blog post, or even take the dog for a walk.
4:15PM: Mum and brother return home. Get interrogated about what I’ve done all day, when in reality the urge to kill myself has been so strong that all I’ve been able to focus on is some reason, any reason to stay alive.
4:25PM: Return to watching Netflix, trying to focus on anything other than this terrible and overwhelming urge in my brain that literally wants me dead. Try to remind myself that it is just the mental illness talking, however it is so difficult to resist when it’s screaming at you.
7:30PM: Make my standard dinner of three Weetabix, try and eat them if possible and return to bed.
8:00PM: Self harm urges become too strong, use a box cutter on my wrist under my watch normally around three to four times just so I can feel something again. Pop sudocrem and a plaster on it, resist the urge to harm myself again. Sometimes I cave in. Back to Netflix.
1:30AM: Cry myself to sleep, ready for another day, hoping it’s not as bad tomorrow.
**If you or your loved one’s condition is critical, suicidal, or just very worrying, please call 999. You can also contact the Samaritans on 116 123 – 24 hours a day or Mind‘s infoline on 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri 9am-6pm)**